Kayla Barry

PV senior discusses her life today and emphasizes the need to reach out for help in her last out of eight stories. She will be continuing another series related to mental health.

‘Life is worth living’

November 18, 2018

Editor’s Note: Kayla’s Korner will be a reoccurring column that deals with mental health and teenage issues. This is the eighth of an eight part story.  

I decided to tell this story at the beginning of the school year. I thought it would be good for myself as well as for others.

Writing has always been one of my passions. And I thought by writing it all down, it would help me heal and express all of my feelings with it. It really helped because I have finally come to terms with everything that has happened to me.

The positive response I have received from these stories has also showed me that it has been helping others. These stories were mostly just for me to get everything out, but seeing that it has been helping others has made me want to continue to tell my story.

I am hoping that by telling this story, it will spread awareness of mental health in general. Mental health is something that should be talked about. It should not be something to be ashamed of.

At first, I would hate to say that I was depressed or even had anxiety. They come with such negative connotation, that I did not even want to admit I had them.

I thought people would judge me and look at me differently.

The opposite happened. I received endless positivity and gratefulness from students at Pascack Valley, PV alumni, parents, and other members of the community.

My mom even got endless messages asking for advice for parents going through the same thing with their children.

I did not know that this could even help anyone. I thought it was just something that I should write down. I am so glad I did, though.

These days, I am doing a lot better. I am currently a senior and I am almost done applying to all of my colleges. I am applying to 13 schools, so I have been rather stressed.

Although I have constant support and such, I still have bad days. A lot of them actually. And that is okay. I am not perfect, I am human, and everyone is going to have bad days.

My bad days still consist of me not wanting to go to school and just stay in my bed and cry.

I get through them, though. I know, now, that life is worth living. I want to see what I have done in a year, in five years, in 50 years.

Since I have finished High Focus, I have started my therapy sessions up again. I, now, see my therapist once a week, sometimes twice. I am now not afraid to tell her how I actually feel.

I still have suicidal thoughts. I get them a lot of the time, actually. After I got out of the inpatient facility, I had none. I did not think about dying ever in High Focus. But since I have gotten out, they have started back up again.

They are not as constant as they used to be, but they still come up. They still scare me.

But I know I control them and they will not get the best of me. When they come, I think of my friends, my family, and what I want to do in my life.

I think about about if I did act on my thoughts, it would hurt others. I think about it like this: I used to think that ending my life would take all the pain away. I would finally be happy if I was dead. I have come to realize that maybe the pain would stop, but it would just be transferred onto someone else. And I would not wish my pain on anyone else.

I have realized that it is okay to not be okay. Just make sure you tell someone that you are not okay. It saved my life.

If you or someone you know is suicidal or needs help, please do not hesitate to call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

If you want to contact me personally, you can contact me through email: [email protected]

Coming next: Kayla’s Korner will be continuing with weekly articles. Next week will consist of her talking about her coping strategies and how she uses them.

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